How Not To Wine & Dine On Valentine’s Day

This day is like any other day of the year. The sun rises and sets. It will most likely rain. You are kind and have much empathy for your loved one. You already know the following 5 things, but just a little reminder when on the 14th of February it’s time for dinner…

1) Restaurants
There is nothing worse than the we saw you coming set menu and no more so than on Valentine’s day. Surrounded by icky couples on every table, you know you are better than this restaurant. You are a great cook! You have Champagne at home, and a shiny ice bucket! What are you doing here? Go and use your new le creuset pan and make something wonderful.

2) Red Wine
Do not drink red wine if it gives you a vampiric smile. Dark crimson stained teeth protruding from a wide grin. You are having a great time! (You’ve drunk too much). She is definitely smiling back at me! (She’s grimacing). Rewind and choose a picpoul de pinet – normally second or third from top on most wine lists if you took the plunge and are in a restaurant.

3) Garlic
For obvious reasons. But hey, if you must, make sure you both have the garlic. The power of two negatives.

4) Eat Too Much
“Just a wafer thin mint sir?” If you question the gratuitous mint or are struggling at pudding, god forbid, you have failed. You have eaten too much. Postprandial turgor will set in and will not abate until the morning after. You cannot even muster the strength for a quick spot of trivial pursuit let alone anything else.

5) Alone
Do not spend valentine’s day team of one. Like Christmas this is another time when you should be with friends and family. Stay in, invite your best mates round, have some beers, open your favourite bottle of wine, eat doritos, pizza and ben & jerrys cookie dough for afters, watch athletic people play sport or put on a trashy film – you get the picture.


ps. your local Majestic store is running free wine courses this spring – an alternative idea for a date, maybe not on valentine’s day though.

3 thoughts on “How Not To Wine & Dine On Valentine’s Day

  1. I think the writer was playing on turgidity… when cells gain water… and that relates to when you feel bloated after dinner… clever dick!

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